there are a few lightning bugs loose in the apartment tonight; the cats are unhinged. having just woke up, I’m entertained to watch them, read, catch some television, but again feel the pangs of hunger that come inevitably after having only a bowl of soup for dinner — and for dessert, chips and salsa.
I’m feeling run down, irritable, and in the general mood for destruction. I’m prone to outbursts and quips. I need to write more and figure out just what is the root problem. it’s that people are letting me down. they just seem to be in it for themselves. but at least they are honest. here, most people don’t even pretend to be kind. I can see a hesitance even in their hellos.
you can see in someone’s eyes if they’re selfish. this town is full of them, monsters-in-training driving into me with bumper cars. from across the street, they scream their heads off at one another with little regard for anyone else’s peace of mind. hollering “shut the fuck up!!!” out the window would only start a never-ending fire fight. the thin line of them staying out of our business would exist no more.
keeping quiet and polite, grinning and bearing it, putting up with all kinds of bullshit at work — seems to be the only way to survive. it sounds mediocre and sad. there’s so much I want to change, but can’t afford to. focusing on this causes nightmares, and depression during the day.
thinking “people are such letdowns and wastes of my valuable time,” tires me out. to focus on something else, something positive, isn’t always easy, but it can be done. at other times, the positive thought practically falls into my lap. it doesn’t have to always be forced. practice makes perfect. it also makes automation.