strange dream, I won a swimming competition and was awarded free movie tickets to see a new Eddie Murphy movie, but it was only showing in Disney World. I kept wondering through the dream if plane tickets were included. what is this dream telling me? most of the deals out there are their deals, not mine. what appears to be advantageous to me only lines someone else’s pockets. other day I was scammed by a phone guy on insurance for my new bank card, and I just let it go because he said I’d get the paper work in the snail and I could cancel it then if I didn’t like it. nevermind the hassle of canceling later, being put on hold, trying to get through to them while I’m juggling things at work, or pushing it off on Casey. our time is so valuable.
I’m also asking myself how much heart do I put into things – if mostly I’m just moving along to get by. this gets back to the Buddhist concept that one must live NOW. most of us aren’t. we’re meditating on the next thing. we get to the next thing and we’re meditating on the next thing. the carrot moves forward. the donkey doesn’t get that carrot. do typos signify lack of heart? the way you put your pencil down signifies something. the way you drink water. what if we were to dance around during the day like in musicals? would we be happier, more creative, more well balanced? I think we would. so I think of ways that I can dance without someone noticing, without the attention drawn to me.
balancing various work tasks, prioritizing what I think should come next. and I have started chanting HK mantras, just lightly, though I don’t know why I am telling you. an ISKCON approach has left me long ago. but there is something. I don’t know what it is. some kind of calling. the value of chanting or prayer, of song… is calling out to me. I continue to blame long work hours. if they were shortened I would have more clarity.
I have become fed up with so much. a friend mentioned that in my Sep. 14, 2001 entry I sounded so angry. it’s true I was in a different time and place then, but this is still a part of my current make-up and I don’t suffocate or discourage it. but I have an inkling also this may be a sign that I need to see more, get out in the world more, travel. being cooped up in offices is probably not all that good for my constitution. these business people love it. I don’t get it. and they’re so difficult to talk to! vicious.
tuesday, bored. lightning and thunder. poems if I’m not careful. milligrams. CCs. let’s get this guy some milligrams! let’s get this guy some CCs. blah. blah.