Picking up

I remain the same person, yet changed. My big change, as some of you may already know, is that by now I have separated from my wife of many years and moved into a place of my own. Despite the hardships and emotional struggle, this seems to have given me back my more-raw, more authentic life. So I am thankful.

Depression follows me out and about. This is not a surprise to anyone, like the separation may be. I have always been lonely under all sorts of circumstances. It has not been easy. Through all the years, this relationship felt incredibly forced, felt wrong. It forced me into the martyr’s role, and maybe I should’ve been there. Maybe no one should be there. I have some more thinking to do on that.

I have changed slightly, gradually, and greatly. But I don’t think for the worse. You can watch my hair lengthen, day by day, like the young man on YouTube.

The last thing I want in this transition is for people to feel sorry for me. It only makes this kind of transition harder. Family members seem most unable to grasp this and it makes me very silent in correspondence. I don’t want to hear a sigh from the other side. The fuse has been spitting and spattering for quite some time.

. . .

So this has been an announcement to fill everyone in, just what’s been going on with me. From here, I hope to pick up the pieces, pick up with writing. Pick up where I left off years ago. Pick up from a new place.

I am a wiser man.