the sun coming out and me writing passing the time feeling good that I’m doing the right thing

Essentia water. feel your breast plate. clean the slate. my place in time is based less on events, more on a state of mind. that’s what’s going to help you, to read back and see truth of actual thoughts, not necessarily concrete “today we went to the county fair and in the first five minutes, it rained like a zombie attack.”

to pass some work time, I’m writing out entries:

today I was jumped on the playground. it means nothing to me now.
today I skated off the loading dock at the school down the street. though I didn’t land properly and splattered myself into the pavement pretty good and cried my damn head off, I’m going back tomorrow.
today I realized the girl I have a crush on crushes on someone else and there’s not a chance in hell for me.
today I became a vegetarian.
today my grandmother peaked in while I lie in my crib, almost asleep. ba ba ba.
my assignment today was to memorize my street address and home phone number. I go slower than the other kids, I think because I’m just not that interested and take too much of the negative social stuff to heart and dwell on it. my mind is elsewhere.
today I got another crush on a girl. I will probably develop multiple crushes. note: no one should know about this!!!
today I had my mouth washed out with soap.
today I skated off my first picnic table.
today I got a flat tire.
today I was put into the hospital and diagnosed with pneumonia. they say I should stay a few days.
today I started getting more curious about punk rock.
today I got my first “real” job organizing boxes in a greeting card factory. I can tell it won’t be much fun.
today I met a nice girl named Millie. she’s in my gym class and we hang out and talk and flunk out while everyone plays basketball.
today I regretted some things.
today I said something the wrong way and it turned into something hurtful. my friend zips about and is hard to nail down. will I ever be able to explain . . .
today is another one of those days.
today I quit my job in such a grand way. immensely proud of myself, I am.
today out of many days, I cheated on my science test.
today I became a monk. I’ve lived here in Philadelphia for three months.
today I played my first video game. Atari is so amazing. I will rule on Space Invaders!
today I made out with this girl and wrote her English paper. because she asked me to.
today I had to get glasses.
today I drove around in my mom’s car unsupervised. 15 year olds like me are supposed to have a guardian – enough of those distractions.
today my mom and dad took me to see Star Wars here in Indiana. I want to become a Jedi so bad my kidney hurts.
today my dad told me he quit smoking because of me, because I told him I didn’t like it. I wonder if that’s the whole truth.
today my grandfather was put into a retirement home. my grandmother keeps saying how she should go in, too.
today was a good day to get married.
today I slept a full 24 hours. I think I’m going to die here in India. all I can think about is getting the hell back and eating my grandmother’s blueberry pancakes. Maharaja says soon we’ll fly to the east coast and stay on the beach of Puri, and it will be amazing. I hope I can regain my health.
today I went to this coffee house called Planet X and watched the poets. my friend Jason got up and read one of my poems because I have a sore throat. next week maybe I’ll break the ice.
today I was punched in the face six times. I came home and threw up about three times.
today was a good day for returning to chocolate.
today I was suckered by a rickshaw driver here and Puri. was chastised pretty severely by Maharaja. “I wasn’t thinking,” I said. “You don’t seem to be at all lately.” I feel like such an asshole.
today a front tooth got knocked back playing football across the street. I hate the dentist.
today the Fong boys continued teasing me about liking a girl I barely even know – “Eva K.” I will never like girls, ever!
today I told my dad I would shoot him when I got older. I’m going to become a cop and kill a lot of people.
today I climbed our tallest tree and got bug guts in my eyes.
today during soccer the ball knocked the wind out of me so hard I thought I was going to die right on the spot.
today I drove over to my girlfriend’s and received my first passionate kiss. it was amazing just short of sex!
today was Christmas and I got a pile of stuff, as usual. I am into Transformers and Coleco Vision.
today Chris got his forehead bashed open at a hardcore show in china town. I sat there next to him in the car while he bled. he looked like a totally different person. I said we should go to the hospital, but he refused. he was really upset and kinda took it out on me, which is alright.
today I had my black dress socks on, slipped and fell down a long flight of wooden stairs. my right hip is killing me.
today all I did was watch TV. mostly cartoons. this flu has me delirious.
today we decided we should call it quits on the skate shop. we’ve put in a strong two years. now it’s time to move on.
my GED came in the mail today.
Today I realized that I’m seeking truth.
Today I went to the frozen lake, imagined that I would jump on it really hard, make it crack, and fall through. This will be on the cover of my album one day.
Today my friend woke up in the hospital and was told that he and his brother were the only survivors. His mom, dad, and sister had died in the crash.
Today the space shuttle blew up and we were sent home early from school.
Today was a good day.
Today everything went smooth. Nothing much to report.
Today I talked with this homeless Christian guy in the park. He behaved like a real messiah and waved me off when he discovered I had eastern prayer beads. “I know how you are,” he said. I came home and cried a bit. don’t really know why.
Today we traveled out to see Casey’s family. our conversation sustained us the whole way; by the time we got there we were hoarse.
today I sat and missed the old days.
today I left the temple because I just couldn’t take it any more. I still want to be involved, but just not at such a close range. now I’ll have more time to write. I can start on this new project, Journal of Thought.
today I thought about how everything constantly changes. rereading old journals really helps me to see how this happens in myself, in other people, and how we go on changing. she said our lives are like individual whirlpools in a river. they don’t last. they drain out and become the river, flow right into it. we cannot box any of it in and stop that from happening. accept the change and flow.
today is a good day.

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