identity

Pondering over a friend’s article, his past as a Hare Krsna so cut off now, so certain it’s not for him any more, so many people reading that beginning to end. Everything takes a strange shape. My own past, present, future – everything is so uncertain. I am not what I was then, I’ve learned many lessons and would do things different if I had to redo them. Aside from politics and drama, my experience is that the Krsna movement seemed like it wanted to mesh me into a collective and it felt like someone was breathing down my neck all the time. It was much better for me to move from the temple and have my own space. But then in that separation over the years I began to lose interest altogether. Now only bits and pieces of me have some connection and a new person is forming as I go through my life. I can only hope what shapes will shape something positive.

Within that context I cannot be ashamed of my past because I learned and experienced so much in such a short amount of time – ten years. But many lessons I’ve had to learn on my own. That’s where I am now. Kind of on my own, claiming allegiance to no particular movement, not feeling under the gun to go out and “preach” any particular idea that I’m not so sure about these days anyway. Spirituality is not something you can necessarily put to words, and if you do, sometimes you can regret it. Most people around me are a bunch of insensitive slobs, they don’t step lightly with anything. They’re in that sales mode or something. I don’t understand it, but I do. They’ve become molded by a lifestyle.

You can live your lifestyle in
your head
let it swim in there
during the day
and if you
like you can
let a few words
come out
carve upwards
into the air
not so sterile
any more
the office job cellblock
don’t be afraid
to be who you are
but don’t let
ego get in
the way of the work
don’t stand around
blowing hot air

that’s my situation
I actually like
graphics and print stuff
so I don’t like
to waste time
talking about nothing
in attempt to make
the time go faster
it’s a blessing
this time around
the hours the days
pass more naturally

as a designer
I’ve also learned how
important it is
not to hold onto what you do
you have to speed up, let go
all those things
a logo you’ve worked on for
an hour
may very well
get shot down
as that happens you should
already have yourself
busy in the next project
only to think of it in passing

of course I see what
is unhealthy
frightening
not always being
able to figure out
how to fix it
let time unfold on it