it is getting colder and colder. my God. these days I’ve had to reroute my way to work, adding a bus now so that I don’t have to cross the bridge at night. the whole thing is over an hour, but I am safe and in good spirits. safe at least in the moment. not always in good spirits, but not doomed like I was at ABC Imaging. there, I said it. that place was a slave ship. I’m sorry for saying that. you never want to water down someone else’s . . . but that’s what it was like to me. from time to time I would like to hear back from some of the people there, but I don’t have that kind of luxury. no one wants to talk to a free guy and have it rubbed in their face. not one person there has returned my call. I have nightmares from time to time. in ’95 too, when I quit my job at UPS, it was the same way, waking up from that classic dream: you quit, but somehow or another you go back, humiliated, slaving again, no end in sight. this one, a couple nights ago I was back over there just part time, but it was a highschool classroom and that bastard’s wife was up at the front teaching us geometry. there I was in the back screwing around with my friends, laughing, in a great mood. hell, I’m still in that mood. I can be so naturally charged, I don’t why. is there something wrong with that? so what if I don’t want to be “disciplined” by you. do you want to be disciplined by anything that I say? do you want to listen to a few of my sentences? I could tell you not to beat your kids, but would you hear that? I could tell you to lighten up a little. I could tell you that you’re completely disgusting and every one can see it and despises you for it, and if the circumstances were different they would have you tied onto the back of a truck and drive you through the streets.
those jobs humiliate. and this is different. I’m actually happy. short hours and some mental challenge to design whatever. when it comes together it is so satisfying. it makes you feel on top of your day. yet it is a routine, and I worry about what routines have a tendency of doing to us. getting worn down.
is there a final decision that makes you want to have a kid, like, “this is the point in my life where I think a new one should begin – mine is halfway through and will be over soon”? it’s a scary concept. I worry I’ll have kids that I want to live my life through, and put a tremendous amount of pressure on them. I think it’s a common mistake. but I will continue my growth as well. we will all learn together.
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