God gave us words

here is one of Matthew’s entries:

“yesterday i received lecture tapes from Dhanurdhara Maharaja to transcribe, on Srimad Bhagavatam verses. questions from sages, on Krsna’s appearance and other things. im listening like im coming out of amnesia:some things click or just make sense. i at least know it made more sense than anything when i was sitting on the park benches, next to the obnoxious construction workers on lunch break jeering at women, blowing smoke in my face.

“a full minute of staring off. the window is not reality, nor what i see outside it, but i sit in a chair and thats ok real, and if i go downstairs to the sidewalk and spit, thats ok real. communication breakdowns. ill make something real passionate with words but then not say it. real tragedies. only effective as the amount of time and effort you put into it.
chipped, ruined teeth. ”

I love to read the words
it helps to go to someone else’s set
and feel as if you might have written them yourself
but in a way glad that you didn’t
sometimes it is tiring
and you’d rather just read them

Art Bell says something like:
“It is something words cannot describe, but in radio we deal with words. So we’ll have to try.”

it is really one day at a time. I wish I had more energy to explain it. my small life. in the night I woke up with asthma and suffered a bit before I put up the energy to make a cup of tea for some relief. this always helps but I think for at least a bit I can make it through, catch my breath, and not have to get up and go downstairs. it is always too hot and I have to wait a long while for it to cool down. the internet pulls me back in and I’m roaming around not wanting too much to focus on because also my eyes are infected and in pain. yes, today I went to the emergency room for treatment. got some antibiotics. got news on the phone that one of my good friends at work was fired and it has me upset and thinking again that each week I make it through that place is a miracle. I tried calling another friend to talk all kinds of things, but managed only to wake up his girlfriend and feel like an absolute ass for it.

wanting to reach out
I sit down quietly
read
write
that is all
I hope all my friends
are doing okay
I’ve been hoping for this
even before the trade center