my head is so clear
at least it seems
can’t get back to sleep
and all these ideas &
conversations
going through my head
scenarios
probably worthless
I like to make things
visual
draw little charts
in reality it’s like this . . .
I think it comes down to
people not even
wanting to listen
that’s the frustrating part
they think I have
an attitude or something
and maybe they’re right
I’ll be honest
I am angry
I’m fucking pissed
I’m losing sleep over it
try not to let it get to you
they say
so I try to be this quiet
undisturbed powerless person
that they want me to be
but that freaks them out
it is hard knowing what
the small shop turned corporate
really wants
in the end it’s power and cash
and the employees won’t get to
joke around or relax or any of it
they won’t even be around probably
on the work isles will be robots
fine for them
let me tell you this is the only
real place on the planet and come to
and be myself
the self is always exposed
to the opinions of others
I try my best to be caring towards others
and in turn I want to be cared for
I learn martial arts
but for real martial arts will be
collecting dust because
I don’t want to fight with anyone
it’s just preparation for the worst that’s all
the worst of the worst
is all around me in downtown DC
Casey and I are trying to deal with
each other’s personalities
and Rudra
our cat acts as a mediator
a friend says cats are spiritually uplifting
there’s a statistic out there how
people with pets live longer
we need to be happy
not losing sleep over bullshit
yeah, too much bullshit
sharpen up the intelligence
and cut through as much as possible
these notes run on for the present
4 o’clock in the morning
Rudra and myself awake
animal and human animal
I’m going to try to write more
buy a new notebook on the train
I fill up small ones and just toss them
on the dresser
the radio is on a lot
I change and it’s interesting to me
never before would I feel calm
listening to classical music
and listening to calmly presented
news updates
and now for some Bach
now for some Tchaikovsky
violin and piano anything by
Ernest Bloch is my request list
28 years old is different from 27
certainly from 26 definitely from 25
and so on
as I was saying I’m fascinated by time
and how it changes things
I don’t want my job to ruin, narrow, or limit me
in any way – emotionally, physically, spiritually
I’m not the only one pissed off there
people say you obviously need to find a new job
believe me I’ve been spending hours looking
I’m scratching mosquito bites in early August
waiting to hear back from people
nasty mosquito bites
notes: I like to set things straight
as clear as possible
move on from there and do my work
purity or no nonsense interests me
what does it mean to be pure
is it a clear mind
a spotless mind
uncomplicated
in purity
does the real answer come to you
just exactly what you’re supposed to do
life is a dream they say
lighten up
I guess everyone is fighting to
get to the beach
it sucks it’s so crowded once
you get there
then you try to go further down
where it is secluded
to seclusion
to something close to pure
clear everything from the mind
and ask yourself for real
if God exists
who the hell you really are
“I’m afraid I’m
shot up full
of holes and I
leak like a glass
of water”
who said this
was it God
was it me
a combination of the two
was it illusion
a combination of television commercials
or reality shows or what
my cat is staring at me
the love I have for him
is the purest thing I know right now
and I wish I could share it
I wish I had a camera (and I will eventually)
I don’t know how much time I have left
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