sun day at noon time with hunger in stomach
thinking I have to take
care of myself better by eating more (more often)
I want to be in this
for the long haul
not like others
who throw their lives
into the dumpsters
saturn day was fine
tinged with a little bit of loneliness
but made it through
without making too much
a mess of myself
day light hours are consumed
by work
night is social, meditational, resting
in your limbs while
you are still alive
you can lift yourself above
the depression, the aggression
little annoyances
after a short time I look up and
the world has changed around me
I come back to a room
where everything is just
as I left it – but appears more still
older just by a few hours
this slightly startles me that
I would notice such a thing
by try this –
return home after 2 full weeks
and how does it feel?
also I look up and
friends have become
masterful poets and grow and grow
and I see how
this could be something
so big
Amazon.com big
I could spend this time
over broken heart bits
I could also spend this time
over tea, having lunch
taking a walk through the
beautiful neighborhood
I define a great day by
having the strength to be
in the park by 6 am to sit on that
bench and meditate
(beautiful there – I will take pictures to show you)
no thing is strictly this or that. for instance, the horror film I watched yesterday, 28 Days Later, brings out many things, not strictly fear and panic. as the movie began, some of the crowd were much like high school students, laughing and giggling; I like how the intensity of a movie can shut every one the hell up, creating d-e-a-d silence in the room. movies, such as this one, can be an . . . experience. of course everything is an experience or an event, but sometimes you have to apply emphasis. in 94′ I was reading a lot of global conspiracy stuff and felt the end of the world would come in 2000. I was going to name my next magazine Emphasis 6. none of that ever came about. I’m glad for both.
the girl in the apartment downstairs is moving out. boom boom shifting vibration of things from here to there. hip pains continue. someone said I could have arthritis there. I know it is something serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. now that I have insurance from work, I can finally go.
I leave live journal entries in summer droughts and return in torrential downfalls. in days to come I combine meditation (as in sitting and otherwise) with the meditation and flow of writing.
monitor the status of aggression in a tight circumference of self. accidental knife slices through fingers at the sink, round red droplets that fall in. the mind’s red reaction. the eye sees blood. stomach’s contracted reaction. pulse. to day I say to take care but not freak the fuck out. you cannot control much in the world, but you can control your re actions. you can avoid whole arguments. you can avoid starting argu ments. you can watch in you what emotions stir up when someone pronounces a certain combination of words causing such and such effect. amazing how that works.
I don’t want to jumble my thoughts, but that is just what thoughts do. they intertwine. the ego wants to put its hand in things. she said you could be rowing out on a lake with some fog. you see a boat fast approaching, you scream, but it’s too late and hits you. you’re screaming that the guy is an idiot, a cheap bastard, and so on . . . then you notice that the boat is empty. you have no one to blame. blame is empty.
if you are not at peace you cause most of the damage to yourself.
dreams:
1. led a kirtana (singing and dancing in a temple) emotionally charged but ego centered. concentrated mostly on how the crowd would respond to what I was doing, not on the devotional aspects. I was conscious of this as I was performing and hated it, but there was nothing I could do. as the crowd danced ecstatically I realized they were the ones with the power and sincerity. they hardly could tell I was even there.
2. my family and I were put on a plane that was meant to crash. we went down, but survived. I was hurt that someone plotted such a thing and spent the rest of the dream searching after them to find out why. was I out to return the favor?
3. there is no 3.
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