A little stressful getting things set up at work, learning the new image setter, exactly what file I can and cannot send to it, the correct configurations – pretty much all on my own in this; at least it seems. Color laser guy moves over to four color film separations to be sent to the Heidelberg press. I call it “growing pains” and watch myself, how the worry sets in. I doubt if all the worrying is worth it, but it’s sometimes hard to tell when the worrying is justified.
Starting a new job is like moving into a new house in a new town. My shyness puts me in a terrible place. I really want to feel comfortable, otherwise I’m all acid on the inside, hating myself, hating away, hating something I’m unaware of, the depression once again falls over, the curtain comes down.
Working along these lines, trying to be aware. You grow into it, you get through it. I don’t want to make any broad sweeping statements. “This is going to get worse before it gets any easier,” they would say. They were the ones that would make it worse. But today, let me focus on myself.
Don’t like someone? Think you might not like them? Why not try your best, work creatively, to get things to fall into place? Try your very best to look through their flaws. And when you can’t, try to secure some space for yourself. Spend some time alone. Try to find peace.
So I’ve been busy. I hope to write more, and read more, but these next few months are going to be intense like a prepress shop in September, but it’s February, and it’s myself I’m up against as the challenges shoot into me like needles. Am I going to snap or play it cool? Am I going to overcome or am I just going to lose it?
*****
“I have to be honest,” he said, “I’m kind of intimidated by you.”
“Why? I’m like… a hundred pounds.”
“Well, it’s more… I mean… Your attitude…”
“Are you saying I have an attitude?”
“Oh no, no. It’s just that… [you could be a little bit nicer]”
“Because if you tell me I have an attitude, I swear… [I’ll kill you]”
*****
Cats here, here at home never having to go out and “earn a living.” That’s why mankind is cursed. Animals are born and they just live and go about their business. In the meantime, we enterprise. We have to go out and create business. Once we get somewhere we’re shooting for a whole lot more than just a living. The greed sets in.
Maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I can say for sure it is midnight and I have a new day ahead of me. And that this morning, my fourth day on the job, I woke up at 8:24 when I was supposed to be in at 8:00. I got on the phone apologizing like a madman. “I’ll be right in,” I said. And “I’ll make up the time.” I felt like I was cracking up for a bit there.
I also know that some women who don’t even like sex have to go out anyway and sell themselves – just to survive. And we’re so quick to judge as if we don’t sell ourselves every day at our jobs.
*****
On the other end of the spectrum, rich boys are seizing poverty and glorifying poverty. Big is the new small. Admin. privileges. Slum it. Go dumpster diving, if you will. Oh, how charming.
Let me thank you. You’ve taught me a lot so far. Real poverty is poverty of the spirit. Empty your heart out of all the false hope and hope on something real. Cheers to that, they would say. And cling their glasses. Let’s make a toast to poverty of spirit. That’s why I’m so quiet. Why throw to them a good idea just so they can drop it at their feet and walk across it?
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