kicking off shoes
that strangle the feet
putting the television
on mute
during commercials
straightening
back
shaping
posture
sold your
entire record collection
in a few days
now the money and
the records are gone
miss the bills
miss the vinyl
panning the eyes
across the room
scratches on the glass
the fading world
published
and republished
sadness and happiness
go on Fear Factor
and donate the money
to Live Journal
Fear Factor, why bother?
Earlier felt like I could not utter a single word that would come out right; not so sure now either. Or ever. Don’t miss the chance to give it a try. Everything fascinates me early this morning. The thought occurred to me that I could in fact wind up delivering parts of your mail, because I need a job, the government checks haven’t started rolling in yet. Starvation is a serious thing. It puts the body down on the lowest level. You can’t think of anything when you’re hungry. So I thank my friend for looking out for me – I took his advice and applied for the temporary mail courier position. You never know where the wind might blow me next.
As I was saying, everything seems to fascinate me: the bowl, the bowl’s fill of Raisin Bran with Silk soy milk, the wood floors, authors, different books, the prospective books I’ll read in the near future, learning new things, the rumble of the table as I type this, my wife’s sound sleep – how I admire it so!, these rooms so new to us junked up with our stuff, all these books in crates, the blinds and how I leave them open and turn out the lights, so in the morning I can wake up to the sun coming in.
Sleeping in chunks of 3-4 hours at a time. I woke up and sat watching David Letterman. Then I watched the much better Conan O’Brien. A girl came on who’s name I can’t remember. He said something to the effect of “Happy New Year.” “Yeah,” she said. “Happy New Year, blah blah.” It led me to thinking about real characters out there in the world who just say what they feel, but also, they’re feeling pretty cynical. I can only believe half of it is justified, the other half is on ourselves the find the beauty in things like that kid Ricky Fitts from American Beauty.
The sun will be up soon on my day of rest. They shut down, too. Another holiday. Appreciate it, because these next three months will be hell. January, February, and March usually are the ones that separate the weak from the strong by means of the crudest methods nature and human nature have to offer. I once used the analogy of the homeless warming their internals with alcohol but still dying from the cold to illustrate how our false hopes won’t be there to save us on the rainy days.
My boss, the manager girl, who thought perhaps that I was also her friend, fired me from higher up. She lived upstairs from me. At work, she was yelling at me out of the fucking blue, not realizing that she ended it right there. Internally, I was boiling. When my time came, I left like a calm son of a bitch, almost like I was sneaking out before bursting into hysterics. It was a matter of me stealing and getting out the door – stealing myself out and being chased, laughing like a 14 year old running from a record shop. We moved and I didn’t say good bye. Some just don’t deserve it. I notice, too, this is how the salesman work. The landlord shows the place to a few perspective tenants, saying only a few words and answering whatever questions. No over-exertion.
Thank everyone for their warm letters and thoughts, all the encouraging comments. It is a new year now; I honestly can’t say how different it will be from the last. I suppose if we’re lucky, we at least just have a hold on our day, or an hour, or ten minutes. If we can make the best of those moments, and often, it very well could shape up a larger span of time as we orbit that Sun out there, that massive ball of death.
New York celebration
tourists, you travel safe
drink less if you can
you know who you are
may we
know ourselves
better
and succeed, too
through to the
true meaning
that is
bolted within
up in D.C.
I wave hello
to you
I’ve stomped
your grounds enough
and will
probably not return
have yourself
a good new start of a year
do things differently!
to my friends on
the phone
keep picking up
and encourage
some conversation
out of this
dry mouth of mine.
to my wife,
I’ve now learned
what it is to really,
really miss you
and how I
don’t want that
again
so please
get your nose
bloody with me
it’s simply
another round
who are we fooling?
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