When I was a kid we had this little tradition that I could open at least one present on Christmas Eve, and that would be the one tagged with my mom or dad’s name on it. The rest would arrive under the tree by morning, which would be from Santa. I was blown out of the water by the idea of Santa Claus, that there was this man coming down my goddamn chimney, this stranger who somehow knew me and wanted to give me presents. There was nothing better than that. Of course when I fell asleep, it was my parents down there maneuvering all the packages around, not anyone else. Even as I began to suspect it, I forced those suspicions out of my head for a long time.
In 1977, I woke up at 4 o’clock in the morning when everyone was asleep and went down and started opening everything up. Bet you don’t know this, but back then Spiderman had a helicopter. I had him in it and was flying that thing all over the place. They must have heard me, because my mom came down to see what all the commotion was about, and she was pretty upset she discovered I had opened so many presents without them.
When you’re a little kid everyone’s asking your name all the time – not so much to learn it, but to reinforce that you learned it. And how old are you? And school assignments back then were all about learning to tie your shoes, memorize your phone number, your address, and the emergency numbers – all before learning how to read and write.
The black tire swing in nursery school had a snake in it. We danced in a circle holding hands while the sirens went off next door at the fire house. I seemed to be the only one who was petrified by it. I believe that was the day when I actually dropped out. Yes, dropped out of nursery school.
I’m wishing for different things, now that I find myself all grown up. I don’t want toys any more; they’ve been replaced with books, music, and movies. I guess I just want to keep a roof over my head. It’s not really too much to ask for. (Some heat wouldn’t be too bad either.) Everyone should be able to have that. I hope the new year will be a little easier for me, and that I can concentrate better on these personal projects without feeling blasted to pieces by . . . outside influences.
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