you float back up dead to the surface

I don’t think it’s any coincidence we named our new kitten “Kala” (Maha Kala) after Lord Siva, all devouring Time personified. Time certainly seems to be swallowing up my life whole these days. or not whole, but bit by bit, minute by minute, download by download. for two nights I’ve sat quiet and meditated. meditation consists of something personal for each guy, so I cannot say for sure what it is on an absolute scale. for me, being quiet and being in quiet is the most important thing, since work attempts the slaughter of peace of mind.

my eyes sting
no trouble
missed this
appointment
opportunity
reschedule
achievement
oriented
each job in
the classifieds
I looked for
something
quiet
where I
wouldn’t
have to talk
to people

it’s not that I don’t want to talk to people, it’s that they want me to overdose on talking to people. the whole “paper” is full of that. nothing solitary. I will keep praying for solitude. it’s not like it’s something easily attainable, like “I want solitude and I want it now,” and suddenly you turn around and it’s there, next to the box of cereal. ah, maybe you have some bleeding left. maybe you have to create the solitude from yourself, from wreckage. when you get to solitude, I imagine, more is possible. enlightenment.

I would like to read more. and I have been this week. Thomas Merton, Henry Miller, Alan Dugan. a great reverence for the books and the time spent with them, I’ve found really enhances the experience. the other kids go out drinking. I don’t see how they do it. I do. actually, it’s like not reading, which I know all about. it’s like taking that “not reading” to new lows, and staying there. delving into that deep ocean of a cruel world. you float back up dead to the surface.

I need more
sleep
don’t know if
I’ll ever get it

get up and
have breakfast
joke around
the work place
because it’s
the only way to make it through
that I’ve found

meditation or
medication
you decide
give that choice
to your doctor
and you’ll be
walking sideways
they always
give you the
nutrasweet
and punch
you in the
back of the head
on your way out
how much of
yourself
are you willing
to give out

I write
give of myself
and at the
same time
give of you
give of
a lot of people

listen
drive slower
if you can
live longer
if you can
eat better
if you can
I’m saying
do more
than just
think about it

I watch less TV
the urge may
come back
but then again
a good habit
could form
quiet cricket
evenings
air conditioner sounds
water dripping from
the ceiling in
five places
that gets deducted
from our rent
so I can buy
some more
books on Ebay
or who knows

I know I’m rambling
I also know
I’m stopping