can you cope?

thinking about it some more, why should I feel guilty about being angry, about being upset? I think it’s a natural response in this circumstance. I have to really look at it and make sure that this anger doesn’t make me lose control. another very important thing is that I communicate in truth and communicate effectively. if from anger I start to lose control by feeling hate and I express that hate, then I have lost to them and myself.

I don’t want any drama at all. only as a sensitive person do I want to make complete sense of the whole thing and maybe pour my heart out to someone if I think that will help – but I don’t know if it will. that is the initial thing, to want to talk to someone afterwards that sees things clearly. it doesn’t always help. you can’t demand an audience. like this, with writing, I put down what comes, and “publish” it, then it reaches people on its own time. it leaves me and is gone. separates from me like a layer, a part of me. events are the same. that is just the way time works – so real in the present, but in the future not so different from a dream. but some things affect your whole life. your pain is the result of your decisions and labour. I’m not as ready to reveal all the details of my life any more. sometimes I just don’t think it’s necessary. the details can be a distraction from the universal theme.

I guess we all go through a “dark night of the soul,” and by no means do I make light of that. it is a dark and muggy night in June but Richardson, the detective, is used to it. you could feed him gravel and he’d be fine with it. Ol’ Rich. I want to grow up and be like him, make use of a real man’s typewriter. if that is okay. ever feel like you’re under a heat lamp? does it make you lose your mind? when I play video games I notice a pattern. I start out as a beginner, then increase in skill. as I go along, because I’m more skilled, I become more calm. that enables me to progress through with greater confidence and ease. sometimes this can backfire if you become overconfident. the game is getting easier but it can always dish out harder levels and put you up against greater odds. keep striking.