finding my place. keeping myself busy. keeping my mind busy. working. I’ve thought it over, I don’t have a problem with work. I clean up my own mess in the house, I do some stretches, lift some weights, do some push ups. all necessary things. put pen to paper. memorize lists, phone numbers, other things, names. read these books all over the house. books call out to me. books from 1991 must be reread or finished up. I still have Dostoevsky’s The Idiot to get through. I dropped it in the middle. a bad habit.
hardly have anyone to talk to. it’s like I imagine if I were in prison, and then in prison I were thrown into solitary confinement – I would have to work extra hard to keep from going insane. sit there in the dark and go into deep worlds of thought. the mind is working, pushing the body. and the world, the enemy, I call it the enemy, it wants to put me to work, crush me real good. sometimes it doesn’t see that I’m the one who’s pushing myself, and that’s when I excel the others. I yell at myself before they get a chance to yell at me. I have that yelled at look. so they don’t even bother. that gets me through. stone stare through fucking brick wall solid concrete concentration. eyes are sore from staying open and alive in this world. that’s the way a young man gets. he grows through the world and has sore parts.
lift 5000 pounds across two days of terrain and don’t tell anyone. parcels delivered. a community’s pillar.
there is work, prayer, meditation, play, music appreciation, physical training, writing, reading, movie watching, contemplation. keep busy, free as possible from the depression that devours. I think it’s unhealthy to deny depression, but to be taken over by it means to be set back. I’ve had enough of that.
help me get through this enemy
cough and congratulate
I am spelling
and spelling at high speeds at that
compose your best
purposeful list
and present it to
the next publisher
you encounter
he will promise you a call
which you’ll
get a sick stomach over
waiting
as if that
was really your shot
as if unpublished
and undistributed
you’re really nowhere
this enemy is so
accomplishment oriented
maybe it is better
not to be known
and just eat apples
till my dying day
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