cracked window

it is a worry of mine that I’ll drop out of sight, forgotten in only a few days or weeks, and won’t be able to come back and put a single idea together. this would be the case if I weren’t elsewhere writing and sewing the fabric, but I’ve been busy, gladly.

you should see the stacks of books here in the house, the mess I’ve made of the place. the unread books. it’s fixed now so all I have to do is reach one arm out of bed and a fingernail is scraping a paperback. in bed when I have a cold I can prop myself up with a story like this and blow my nose day in and out, hoping to God this year my lungs won’t cave in, and that I’ll make it well past 30.

I could say nothing exciting has been happening, but it’d be a lie. the radio keeps talking about all this anthrax. the country continues dropping bombs, and I’m eating vegetarian Mexican food with my wife on a Saturday, on a Sunday, and next Monday comes to pass, ill at ease the approach of my grandmother’s next operation, one simple hip replacement but risky because of her advanced age. the days are changing me slowly, for better or worse.

most of all our clocks are set back. let me try to describe now what it feels like since I’ve opened the window next to me: the smell of logs for the fireplace. in this sense, snow and all quiet out, reminiscent of how I used to look out the window as a kid at night looking for Santa Claus. the cool air comes in for a few minutes completely welcome. I keep coughing because my lungs are bad and I’ve come down with a common cold. everything is scary, except I just don’t feel like being scared any more. I think because I’m used to it. this is probably also why ghosts stopped messing with me; I just became so damn used to it. in the midst of everything, and being speechless, I can say things are good these days, and I’ve begun to focus more of my energy to living as a writer. of course I work full time doing something else, and it’s high maintenance, but I hope I’ll get used to that too. I’m hoping someone will come along and teach me something new. these people aren’t far away I don’t think.

I’ve been reading Garrison Keillor these days, which I really enjoy. perhaps I’ll go into writing comedy. in the meantime, I’ve put out an electronic book called The Whole Gamma. please check it out.

I’m thinking more about the idea of writing letters more. the other day I even wrote one to my wife. such as: Dear Reader, welcome to the end of my entry. it’s been a good ride, and now I’m moving onto something else. I’ll attempt the age old habit of sleep.