a woman called, asked me questions to verify my identity, and proceeded to tell me, “I’m sorry but you’re not going to have a very good day. you’re mother passed away…after which she murdered a man…” devastated. but found out this wasn’t so, that she was very much alive. when I got to her, however, she had been driven completely insane, terrified, like I had come to kill her or drag her across the floor out of the safe closet. holding her hand, attempting to calm her, I dialed 911.
these events played over and over in my head. I was in a horrible mood by the time I woke up. that was this morning. I made it through my day all right though. did a lot of reading, this new Radiohead book I got in the mail. I love to read, to learn, to feel on top of things. this is probably why I like working on computers so much, because the field is so broad.
I don’t feel like… an educated person. I feel like I could be. I hardly feel like a writer. all I have is desire for all of these things. and many times I know I fall short, just fall asleep. become uninspired, sullen. my lows are down low. quiet. don’t have much to say for myself. what will become of me like this? my writing? poetry readings? web page?
I wonder if I will survive the chaos inside and outside of me. I wonder if there is a God and if I could or should be close to Him. so much fear scattered about us.
current temperature 64 degrees. warmer than a dead bird. sometimes I don’t know what to make of my time. friends would tell me to pray my damn head off, take advantage of human intelligence, don’t be swept up in the lower material modes of being, you’ve got such potential, don’t waste it, your ego gets tired and disappointed because it never gets what it wants and the rest of you rots away. still, I hardly know anyone anymore. banished. disconnected.
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