life breath

thank you thank
for life
to me so
I can
learn just
what the hell
is happening
to me and
myself across
the bridge
I am waking up
from a crypt
of denial
I have been
in for
hello from
roads are
torn up
is tested

your greatest
enemy is
because you
end it for yourself
always doubt
always comparing yourself
with others
you allow them to defeat
you because
you are
an enemy to yourself
and care
what they think
for some reason
for some
stupid reason

we are all
before God
get it in
your thick

this is poetry
to me
sit down and
and don’t worry

leave the truck the way it is

I write for a bit
look down
try to enclose
myself in
the quiet
so that
I can be
nothing else
bother me

I have my
and my
the indoors
but also
I have nothing
when I’m
on the
when I’m
going up the muddy
street from all
the construction work
at that time
I have nothing
and it is such
a relief
and I won’t panic
I have
when I sit down
and open
my bag
with books
and settle in
and pray to God
for mercy
I say to myself
“but God is
my friend”
can try to mock me
but what will it
I’ve never put
my claim on
you’d think people
feel threatened
by those that compete
but those that have
no fear or desire
or obligation
to be social
have the
best blood

if we can go through
this world together
if I can just
get through
this world and
hold together

dreamt I was with friends
and we got out of the pick up truck
they discovered I had
drawn some religious symbols
on it with a magic marker
and were shocked
they did not know me
to be a fanatic
or even spiritual
J. said he believed in God
but this was too much
and I backtracked
saying it was a joke
that I would go into
that department store
and bring back some
cloth and water
to clean it up
…. men all about the
bathroom, completely filthy
without even any clean cloth
…. on returning the truck was gone

as the blood spills

crushing in the
games network
the waterworks
turn on the river
spill some blood
and go
for a deep drowning
of yourself
in the
of news
a country
every turn
of the
I am blinded
their blindness
the car
it cannot be
set up an
event and
the partition
it was them
we can
make their
lips move
and curse us
we can aim
our warheads
it won’t hurt
if a few miss
our beds
are too soft
to lose
any sleep

old slaveships

it is getting colder and colder. my God. these days I’ve had to reroute my way to work, adding a bus now so that I don’t have to cross the bridge at night. the whole thing is over an hour, but I am safe and in good spirits. safe at least in the moment. not always in good spirits, but not doomed like I was at ABC Imaging. there, I said it. that place was a slave ship. I’m sorry for saying that. you never want to water down someone else’s . . . but that’s what it was like to me. from time to time I would like to hear back from some of the people there, but I don’t have that kind of luxury. no one wants to talk to a free guy and have it rubbed in their face. not one person there has returned my call. I have nightmares from time to time. in ’95 too, when I quit my job at UPS, it was the same way, waking up from that classic dream: you quit, but somehow or another you go back, humiliated, slaving again, no end in sight. this one, a couple nights ago I was back over there just part time, but it was a highschool classroom and that bastard’s wife was up at the front teaching us geometry. there I was in the back screwing around with my friends, laughing, in a great mood. hell, I’m still in that mood. I can be so naturally charged, I don’t why. is there something wrong with that? so what if I don’t want to be “disciplined” by you. do you want to be disciplined by anything that I say? do you want to listen to a few of my sentences? I could tell you not to beat your kids, but would you hear that? I could tell you to lighten up a little. I could tell you that you’re completely disgusting and every one can see it and despises you for it, and if the circumstances were different they would have you tied onto the back of a truck and drive you through the streets.

those jobs humiliate. and this is different. I’m actually happy. short hours and some mental challenge to design whatever. when it comes together it is so satisfying. it makes you feel on top of your day. yet it is a routine, and I worry about what routines have a tendency of doing to us. getting worn down.

is there a final decision that makes you want to have a kid, like, “this is the point in my life where I think a new one should begin – mine is halfway through and will be over soon”? it’s a scary concept. I worry I’ll have kids that I want to live my life through, and put a tremendous amount of pressure on them. I think it’s a common mistake. but I will continue my growth as well. we will all learn together.