gotta light?

you know how you slip up and say something stupid? I’d like to recall some perfect things. let me start over. my cat was all wound up tonight, getting in the paper bag and tumbling all around. I banged on the outside of it with my hand, and with the other, attacked him with a smaller lunch bag. he went absolutely mad with little grey bear fury. it was a terribly cute event. let me start over. no smokers aloud. I’ve had it up to here. I choke my goddamn head off because of them. you are prohibited from the room. okay, I return here and tell you what book I’m reading. guess what book I’m reading. come up and ask me even if you’re a stranger. we’re getting into fist fights on the train night and day, and everyone seems to love it. ask me what book I’m reading. ask me how I’m doing. actually care about me and how I’m doing. you’ve got a strong worker on your hands. if you’re smart you’ll do your best to keep him. I’m going off to the supermarket with my friend to buy dinner items.

I was excited when I read this in my book:

“…of course meat-eating is not in the tradition of Buddhism and it was taboo when the Yojinki was written – such as mountain potatoes, sesame, sour plums, black beans, mushrooms, and the root of the lotus; and it also recommends various kinds of seaweed, which are highly nutritious and leave an alkaline residue in the body. now, I am no authority on viatamins and minerals and calories, but it is a fact that most people today eat a diet which creates too much acid in the blood, and a great offender in this respect is meat.”

typing late at night with my eyes dimming out. I wanted to scream “Friday” really loud today. that was the kind of mood I was in, when you’re just wound up and you want to haul off and hit something. in a good way. you know, how you wanna hit something in a good way. it’s just energy. there is the negative energy in you too, when you’re angry, when you punch out windows, and when you hold yourself back. the angry energy keeps showing up. I lay in bed and try to make sense of my thoughts. I know how to quietly give someone hell.

sorry about the cigarette ban. no one in here is aloud to smoke up the room. yeah, smokers apologize, but they go on smoking anyway. oh hey man, I didn’t realize, I’m sorry – ya gotta light? no, but I gotta hatchet.

is this the center?

Saturday night was reserved for reading a few poems you might think, but really for dancing like an absolute fool. the right music was put on and I turned into an absolute freak. for a moment there I was the center of attention, because I broke away from my reserved nature and became like this animal in someone’s living room, and plus everyone (besides me) was all drunk. the dancing on my part was obnoxious because I figure if I can’t really dance (I never have seriously) then I should make a joke out of it and do something like . . . instead of dancing to the beat for a moment, just spin in circles. then stop and spin the other way. that’s the kind of obnoxious style I’m talking about. and I got on the ground and flailed my legs like I was on a tread mill. other tactics, which were not used, are to jump around the dance floor like a leap frog, or to just do a lot of jumping. and so on, until you lose your breath, and then, as it goes, you’re no longer in the center any more.


exist here
opening up
in the movies too
the boss is like the
stereotypical cop
like a parent
who never understands its child
never understands anyone
they speak German
you speak English

heart palpitations
you can’t say anything
distant from you
I just sit and notice
all I’m supposed to do
the pains swell up
all the world
the buildings of
my time
go up and come
back down
as my eyes are

what will matter is
it was not that it was emptiness
that caused them their
but all
the sludge of their lives

the emptiness is perfect